Greater than our doubts

I was at a small group leader training thing yesterday to learn more about how to be a good leader to middle school kids, and we were talking about doubt.  "When the kids doubt, it's not a bad thing!"  Someone shared a story about her daughter. This girl apparently had like 30 warts on her hands, as a side note. When realizing that her daughter hadn't been spending time with God, she asked, "don't you miss Him?" The daughter burst into tears and said honestly, "No!". Her mom encouraged her to make her faith her own by telling her to ask God for something she believed only He could do.  About 2 weeks later holding her hands, she noticed something. Shocked, she asked her daughter, "hey, are your warts gone?". "Yea" the girl responded with a smile.  She had asked God to get rid of them. He proved faithful, that He was a personal God and He was HER God.

Yesterday work was crazy, a seemingly never-ending mob of people to serve.  And so with the story of the disappearing warts clear in my mind I asked God for what I believed would be impossible without Him: to be done with my work by 11:45.  Even though people continued to dine in, work got done little by little.  After closing at 11, I continued with the pile of tasks seperating me from being done.  After hanging up the mop I call to my manager to ask her what else I can do. I was done. Just for kicks I clicked the computer screen to check the time. 11:45 on the dot. I had to smile - that's my God. 

God isn't afraid of our doubts.  By questioning our faith, it is made our own. His goodness and mighty power are unfathomable and far greater than our doubts. He is the one who created the stars and knows them by name, the one who laid the foundations of the earth and commands the sun when to rise and set. Our doubts don't change the fact that He is pure Greatness, always. I think about my own doubts that still sneak into my mind about God from time to time, and Jesus' complete authority in every situation. God has been so faithful to me in the past, yet sometimes I find myself asking if He can do it again. Sometimes I am careful about what I ask and pray about because I would rather Him save His power for a time when I really really need it, as if He has limited supply. 

FYI: He doesn't. God is waiting to pour out proof of His amazing love, if we would just give Him the chance.  Having doubts? Seriously, talk to Him right now, just you and Him.  Ask God for something you believe only He can do.  Then wait and watch as He does the impossible.

"Is Jesus amazed by your faith, or by the lack of it?"

This simple question hit my heart hard while sitting at church last Sunday.  Jesus is amazed at us. The question is, is it because of our lack of faith in His goodness, resulting in thinking that we have to make our own way in every situation in our lives and everything has to be perfectly planned out in our own minds and make logical sense to the world? OR, is Jesus amazed in a good way? Is he astounded at our faith in His promises? Trusting that He is good regardless of my circumstances and trusting Him to lead me day by day, moment by moment,  and that by being obedient to Him in the small ways He will trust me with bigger parts of His plan?  Am I loving with abandon, without regard to what I get back? Am I noticing those in need, the broken-hearted, the outcasts, those who are exhausted of what this life has to offer and searching for something else? And am I and reaching out? Can people tell there's something different about me, that's not really me at all? Am I trusting Jesus with my life instead of trying to make my life plans by my own?  So many questions, all to say is that apart from God I can do nothing of value.  I pray that this reality will consume my heart, letting the light that I've received shine in the dark places that need it most.  And letting God transfer the fire in my heart to everyone I meet, because the neat thing about fire is that using one candle to light another doesn't cause the light of the first candle to burn any less bright.  There's more than enough light to go around.  I don't think anyone can deny that there is darkness and trouble and pain in this life.  The world could use more of Jesus.

Unblemished in His eyes

Lately my skin has been breaking out like crazy.  Maybe an exaggeration to some, but I guess it’s true that you’re your own worst critic.  The angry red dots on my forehead consume my thoughts and drive me absolutely nuts.  I hate wearing coverup to begin with, let alone spending more time than I’d like to admit in front of the mirror perfecting my makeup and concealer, and when I’m convinced it’s finally acceptable, I find myself running back to the mirror every other minute to examine and critique my face again.  It’s a vicious cycle that is exhausting and doesn’t solve anything.  Plus all that time is usually a waste because I end up shoving a hat on my head in frustration before rushing out the door.  On top of that, I feel guilty that I’m even stressing about the clarity of my skin, because I know there are so many more important things.  I can name more than one.  But the most important by far is that it’s so opposite of what my Dad thinks of me.  Not my earthly dad.  My REAL one, the One who created the stars and has the hairs on my head counted.  He doesn’t see my blemishes, and I'm talking about ALL my blemishes, not just the ones on my face.  Not because of anything that I did, but because what Christ did for me.  Because something amazing happens when you surrender your life to Jesus.  He lives in YOU! And God no longer sees my sins and all the wrong that I’ve done.  All the times I’ve broken His heart and tried to run from His love and live life my own way by my own rules, thinking it would fulfill me and make me happy.  Even if it did make me happy for a while, I always ended up hungrier for something more.  What great news that there IS something more.  A life lived for Jesus is filled with more purpose, worth, joy, and love than I could ever have imagined.  Because of Jesus, I can stand before God as if I’ve never sinned, because Jesus took our sin and seperated it as far as the east is from the west (Psalm 103:12).  A sparkling clean, unstained life with no shame that I don't deserve but have anyway.  How can I not be overwhelmed and totally rocked by this amazing grace? My blemishes don't define me anymore. Jesus does.   So there’s a new post it note in the middle of my mirror as a reminder.  Psalm 139:14…“I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”    

Nothing too far gone...

It was exactly one week ago that I arrived in from of the reference desk in the library. 
"Hi, I was wondering if you could help me find a study?"
"A study?"
"Yes, I need a thesis study.  I am desperate and I need help badly. Any study that I can pull off before May." Not to mention I really want a study on how the seed Moringa olifera purifies water and can be used as a water treatment in developing countries to prevent malnutrition. Up to the challenge, the nice ladies were on it, typing away to help find any papers that had to do with Moringa and water purification.  They found a few, although nothing really matched with what I had in mind.  I thanked them and went to class, feeling more hopeless by the minute. 

What a mess.  I had started this thesis on child malnutrition because what I really care about concerning my dietetics degree is feeding kids who are so hungry and malnourished you can see their ribs through their skin.  Prescribing hospital diets just isn't where my heart is at.  I had just hoped that the study for this thesis would work its way out, but I had hit dead end after dead end, from unreliable collection of data to realizing the data needed to do certain studies would require me to also have my Maters in statistics.  Back at the library an hour later, I made a half-hearted attempt for the 100th time to google a simple study to use that related to the 40 pages I already had written on water and its effect on malnutrition.  Using Moringa, the amazing seed with water-purifying properties that I had heard of only a week earlier. I clicked on the first page and waited for it to load. And waited. I was losing patience. My phone vibrated and it was my sister calling.  To spite the computer and my whole thesis in general, I answered and left that page loading away while I went out in the hall to talk.  After talking with her and then unloading my frustrations on her, I asked if she could pray for God to just give me a study.

I arrived back at the screen with a fully loaded page on testing water turbidity, or the the cloudiness of water, using Moringa to test how effective it is as a water purifier.  I printed it and left. Would this really work? I emailed a chemistry teacher to ask if the college had a turbidity meter.  The study called for one. "No, but I was actually just thinking of buying one this week" he said, after also volunteering to help with the experiment. Really. Well thank You Jesus.

The only thing left was to get it approved by my advisor.  "Christine, I am very worried for you" was the last thing I had heard from him when I set up a meeting because I had yet another study idea in mind.  I don't blame him, I was probably driving him nuts with all of my crazy ideas every other week that kept failing. So when he looked at my new statement of purpose and study design today and said that he was very happy and that this was a very do-able study and he is excited for this topic, relief washed over me.  Progress! Finally! Hallelujah!

I've got a while to go still, but I know my God is with me. My God will come through everytime. He was and is and will always be faithful, even when I have my doubts.  "If God is for us, who can be against us?" Sometimes I just need to be reminded of this truth, waking me up to realize that nothing is too far past God's perfect and loving help.

His grace > my weakness

It is crazy that God loves me.  Me, even with all my imperfections and sin.  Even when at times I am so ungrateful for the life I have been blessed with.  I get angry at the gas pump that takes all my money instead of being thankful that I have a ride a car to get to school and work.  I get impatient that I have places to be and things to do and a thesis to write and all of them are such pointless things to me but I am just doing them to get it done and waiting on God to give me a clear-cut plan for my life, instead of learning to rejoice in the midst of the unknown and giving thanks for the simple fact that He is so faithful and good, always good.  At work, I get annoyed with the customer on the phone that they are asking 50 questions about our pizza deals, and don’t they know I have tables at the door waiting to be seated and pizzas are up need to be brought to my table and my other table needs refills?  So you, customer on the phone, really need to make up your mind, now.  That is what I think in my head, when really I should be taping into the patience that God wants to give me.  But sometimes I chose to just ignore it.  Worse, I miss opportunities to talk about God with people who don’t get how much He loves them.  I sometimes hesitate to say the name of Jesus in conversation because if I tell people that Jesus changed my life and He could change theirs too, the He died for our sins, so that whoever believes in Him will not die (John 3:16) like we deserve to, because all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God (Romans 3:23), but that we can have eternal life in heaven, they might really think I’m crazy, even though it is the complete truth.  Sometimes I feel like I don’t do a good enough job representing God.  My words, my actions, they could never do justice to the amazingness of all that God is. 

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me (2 Corinthians 9:12).

Grace.  His beautiful and amazing grace.  A grace that covers all.  It reminds me that it's nothing of my own doing that can make me good enough.  There is nothing I can do to repay Him, no equal trade-off.  But still, by accepting the free gift of His grace, I am covered.  I am hidden in Christ, and God no longer sees all my mistakes and my mess of sins.  The chains of my sin and regret have been broken by Jesus and Christ has set me FREE.  The old me is dead.  I am new now.  I am accepted and worthy, a daughter of the King.  And my new purpose is to let the rest of the world know that they can feel this kind of worth too! God wants to give it to you!  He longs for you, He loves you like crazy! He wants you back! And all He needs, is your "Yes." 

Faith is a verb

I never ever saw myself as a person that would ever have a blog.  But it's been on my heart lately, so last night I just sat down and did it.  Nevermind that it probably took 5x as long as a normal person to set it up.  I don't even know why anyone would read it, except that I am expecting God to work in amazing ways in my life.  And when those amazing God moments happen, I want the whole world to know about it! I am praying for opportunities to do something radical for His kingdom.  It's ok if my life doesn't end up looking normal.  I just want to be totally available to Him.  I want to live by faith and not by sight.  To not just say that I trust in the Lord with all my heart, but for my actions to prove it.   

"What good is it, my brothers and sisters, if someone claims to have faith but has no deeds? Can such faith save them? Suppose a brother or a sister is without clothes and daily food. If one of you says to them, “Go in peace; keep warm and well fed,” but does nothing about their physical needs, what good is it?  In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead. But someone will say, “You have faith; I have deeds".  Show me your faith without deeds, and I will show you my faith by my deeds.
-James 2:14-18